Audiovisual Cultures episode 117 – Paula Checks In

Show notes

Host Paula Blair reflects on four years of making the podcast, the writing projects she’s been working on so far this year, and some decisions about the podcast going forward.

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Music: commonGround by airtone (c) copyright 2018 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial (3.0) license.


Edited by Paula Blair with Audacity.

Recorded with Zencastr on 7 April 2022.

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Automated Transcript

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hello and welcome to you what do you facial cultures the podcast that makes it different Terry is a film arts and media and their significance and culture I am your host Paula Blair and in this episode I’d like to take stock and Chuck T. up by where were asked with this show and some of the things I’ve been working on so far in twenty twenty to you because I’ve been doing quite a lot of writing and not so much recording but the store and get stuck in I wanna give my deepest thanks to our incredible patrons out pastry on dot com forward slash AP cultures and you’re not already won over patrons and you’re interested in accessing exclusive bonus content such as C. unedited video recordings of interviews has made during these constructions and things I take radios or other kinds of Baxter is that I paid I just for patrons at different tiers to go and check right the tears and see what’s on offer even if you join a to pay what you count here you can joins from one point or one dollar amounts for example and you can be on not tear you can be on any tear and pay more than the asking price for that tear I think that’s just a minimum and you can she sped up if you really want Hey but even just at the lowest here you’ll get early access to these episodes you know you get the machine days before everybody else can they send either MPG on directly or through your own dedicated RSS feeds for our patients already he should have access to those if you’re not accessing those new having problems without to sent me knowing this I don’t know if there’s a problem if somebody doesn’t tell me so the link for our peach tree and is also in the show notes but it’s that quick if you just J. Petri on dot com forward slash AP culture share find us and also if you look at our websites audio visual cultures dot com so when Marge hello Ricky S. you’ll be able to find all of those thanks as well as the full show notes transcripts and lots more information and you can also donate it directly in various ways in the website if you use pay pal if you got money in your PayPal and it’s weighing heavily in your pay pal kind I’ll happily take some of it off your hands for you those are nice ways to support and thank you for anything you do you already but I must say thanks as well to those if he he engaged on social media our Instagram is taking off I think just right at the end of March we had four hundred followers so it was quite exciting that’s the most followers the podcast is hot on any social media I give up really with the FIA spec for awhile I mostly used to face spec see you know use the matter saying because it’s connected to Instagram as well so I use it to shed chill posts and stories and stuff this doesn’t always work which is annoying but you know it’s a free service so the fees spec I think really just a day before a recording this the Facebook page I don’t know it started telling me to update it or something I was clicking all the no buttons and it did not saying where and no buttons that they became a yes without me realising and it updated to PH I have more followers than there were lakes on that night all of all of those are gone I don’t know I don’t understand Instagram is fun Twitter was the one I cook it acts and then it became a trash fire but say hello on Twitter as well because I am ready axis for the podcast at least on Twitter thanks for people he recharged on those we have had some of the comments I’m Startin to retaliate night every the start of every episode I’m read nights we’ve had so many nice feedback from somebody who spend less than I’ve started putting these honest testimonials on our web page as well so if you go to the home page of our website if you keep scrolling down to the bottom you’ll see the most recent testimonials posted there and I’m working my way Siri giving somebody a shot a night for locks I really appreciate it this means a lot of the people are listening and it’s lovely to hear thought because I I suppose I wanted to build a community with this but you know I’m an introvert and all sorts of other things you know and probably a bit of a mess some troop as well so I’m not very gate assets being central to community but I’d like to have community it’s a weird one I know %HESITATION anyway so I had some really lovely comments from Dr Fiona noble he guested on the show and episode one hundred and four please have a listen to a lot of heat Mr S. R. you’ve joined us and Stan or you know it fell off your radar it’s a really lovely conversations you and I are good friends so there is a bit of %HESITATION terror and stuff as well and very cheeky with farmer checking with her than I am with a lot of other casts because usually casts are strangers or people I’ve never met before words soon and I have known each other a good number of years nine and I can be checking back by myself Sir when I when I say cheeky I mean B. mice how hopeful so that the suit is about her research on contemporary Spanish cinema and language teaching on the twenty eighth of January this year beyond that kindly tweet ads and I quote my brilliant friend Pete Blair creates the podcast audio visual cultures AV cultures pods this week’s episode is an absolute traits super important conversation with Damian Taylor right privilege and the patriarchy among lots of other interesting topics highly recommends to the exclamation points thank you Fiona this kind of feedback really G. suite on an ice I say so I started linking these comments on our website or deep tissue cultures dot com so if you don’t select a choice in the show or on the home page let people know that you’re testing let me know that you’re not saying you can email the official cultures at G. email dot com or you know get in touch in any of these ways just love to hear from you end up to hear about what’s working and what you want to hear more of really interested in constructive feedback because I want this show to be useful it’s not just me making friends on the internet but just sometimes is felt like for the past couple of years this is not a bad thing for an introvert it’s the past one of the best places to meet you nice friends it’s the internat but it’s also quite a scary place because I know you’re dying for an up to yes the last time I checked the United States I stood Belgium for the top spot in our listener league table I know him ever should be next so just how low term Merican France and so glad that you’re listening it’s great to have you as well right suit and other seat back I had recently the listener explains that they find themselves listening to the cast I’m not so grounds but then some saying the gases said Coles something to mind for me and I start talking about it but because I tend not to want to take up too much space and I worry that I’m talking too much and you don’t need me to tell you I go off on tangents because I’m trying to avoid all of the last we tend to spade three what I’m saying you know the anecdote that I’m saying because she she off the cuff fits on plans in the discussion and I just wanna get back to the gas as soon as possible and hopefully points off each other as a conversation but the Leicester told me it seems that I have interesting stuff to say and they wanted to hear more of thought so boys Adair are you can’t not today you’re gonna get so much she’ll ask me never to cheat again this made me take a bit of pause because AVC wasn’t always primarily an interview show a lot of you may have just joined in the past couple of years she may not have bothered going box three the archive about the salutes you know this is an absolute a hundred seventeen so there’s been a lot over the past few years so making this mostly pay visits she being an interview show as more of a default during the pandemic before then I was interviewing people and person but I eat me and a lot of episodes wastes doctor Andriy she’ll he was more of a co host for the first two years because even when we did interview people we did together once the lock signs began in March twenty twenty certainly here in the U. K. Andries workloads as a senior lecturer at the university completely explodes I suppose just set the notes T. any of he he he might as Shane dot urine university staff had an easy ride if things when working from home had to happen I can tell you as a witness that he is already far too heavy workloads more than doubled and wastes no support only pressure from his employer and at the time when the freshman until Oct nine there were strike actions happening so these people already had a lock is good well last but because of this global catastrophe that was unfolding people for the most part I think really knuckled sign and did what they could for their students and just try to keep themselves afloat as I was planning notes for this recording beginning back in March of twenty twenty two eighty so two years later there is ongoing strike action from the university and colleges union in the United Kingdom and it’s just this one as she waits on the list of harmful practices that the unions fighting against so I’m not going to go into details of that case it’s not my fight but it’s a fight that I support and I have solidarity for I didn’t survive thought system I am a consultation thought system and I have the utmost empathy and sympathy for anyone who’s in the fray and it’s going straight at the moment just sort of laying out some information and it’s just flashing a bit more contacts about this business of the show because this is really what we’re talking about right now it’s just a bit of a a spike off the narrative but back to this notion of taking up space and I’m sure it was in an episode of I lay waste to me that you mail which focused site really loves become recall which apps Suter hit when she was talking to you but she and her cast we’re talking about taking up the space which is quite a feminist auction on its auction I’ve been hearing about it for years as well on the guilty feminist podcast but this time it was pointed out right not to take up space is to make space and by default that’s what making a podcast does you know it just comes to my mind it might not even have been highway it might have been on a podcast colds toxic leadership where somebody said test it was one of those to depose accent podcasts that I highly recommend to greet you if you’re struggling with your mental health in any way or any of that they’re very pro dating without sort of stuff and having no she invited you know so I I really recommend them but anyway it was one of those where somebody like this and I’ve never really heard that before where she take up space means you’re making space yes and not speech you taking up you can share with people and I think that by default that’s what making a podcast does you make space for yourself you know you take up some space sorry there on unique space and you know especially when you invite other people on it and I think people have sent this to me before and I don’t think I took enough notice of it but when you have guests on your podcast it means that you share that space that you take can you know when I sank and more recently in the past couple of years and giving more of that space over to other people I have probably for call on the bed it by myself and I’ve hidden behind not quite a lot you know where I’m going to get this great person they have lots of stuff to say and I’m never going to get me I’m a great person I have stuff to say it’s very narcissistic but in a way it’s cherry you know I got stuff to say I’ve got ideas and might bring in I started the podcast because I had compiled loads of academic work and research on these areas of arts and culture and things like costs and have a lot to say about them but %HESITATION so %HESITATION because my interests are much more wide ranging than just this specific research interests I how does the market dynamic and I wanted to explore those and start to demonstrate hi you know the things that we T. two ladder box things and categorize salmon institutionalize some eyes and always helpful and it’s probably not a bad idea she made a surprise things be open mind debts you know and to recognize that there should be a joyous and dots borders don’t have to be fixed I can be perforated they can the lands and melds and slip and slide and all those sorts of analogies all of this is related to a more general time of introspection for me I feel that I’ve come a long way mentally and the past few months and years on a freak and focus and determination I’m feeling clearer on what I want to stay with my life and I’ve been taking action towards trying to make that happen so it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when this began because all our lives were in a state of the coming but I’d say that it’s rooted in a decision I made it and summer twenty twenty one so nearly a year ago from recording this I’m not was to take a break from my volunteer work with an incredible charity here in the north east of England’s cold action language whose mission is to supply free English lessons to displaced people seeking asylum anti have refugee status in the U. K. I had been a volunteer teaching and administrative assistants with them for three and a half years of dot points it’s interesting because even sense writing these notes and my user rang up by eight which is a great north English word my user rang I learned that one in Lancaster I’ve been monitoring it bites whether to join this charities action finding mission their parent charities team for the great north run this year it since September it’s how it’s currently is the world’s biggest half marathon I mean it’s the same size as any other half marathon because to half marathon but it’s a big deal Andrea my partner he is often on the show he is a massive fan he’s run it twice now he ran it last year he loves a half marathon he really does he got on and the pilots for this year and good friend of mine who told me she really wanted to do it again and she really wanted to work on our fitness and use it as an excuse to work on our fitness again I told her bite the charity place since the auction fine dition still highs and she’d gotten touch with them straight away and I am still undecided I mean I think it’s something I really want to date but it’s more money up front something I’m quite anxious about it and then probably resourcing up anyway it’s gone in a massive tangent there it’s a charity that’s very much and my heart recording this as well when the war is that Russia has started in Ukraine as ranching and things are terrible I think it’s broke broader awareness of what’s going on waste displaced people people who are displaced by violence and war in their home country and this is something I’ve cared about it for a really long time I will point out that I am frustrated that there are a lot of people you only seem to care now that it’s happening to white people and our European neighbours but this has been actively happening for a really long time and a lot of other places on our countries have a lot to do with fact you know in middle eastern countries and north African countries and some sites American countries is vile you know the global seis the global north has a lot to answer for but now that some saying there’s a crisis in the global Norse on its people who look more like me stocks and I initiate you know that’s something that’s bothering me a lot and so you know it’s on my mind that I want to help this charity so in some way that has been doing really incredible work for years with people from all over and I always felt that with the language assistance you know and that just a few hours a week I used today and three o’clock trying to reaching lessons of raising him and it was tiring and I was quite dependable and I think I felt really guilty because hello I’m Noah my freelance work really seriously dried up over the whole lock sign and it has not recovered I’m still in a really privileged position compared to so many people so I think I felt a lot of guilt by thought for a long time and I think I was volunteering for a long time because I felt guilty and I wasn’t ready taking enough time to address my own health problems you know when I was assisting with language classes you know I really enjoyed the administrative stuff because I used to help people and roll and it was fun because there were times when I would get to use a bit of my Spanish I have a little bit of Spanish I’m a bite sized in spots but things like in the registration form arts just stuff like your age where you went to school so in your name stuff like that those are the sorts of basic things I can say and are saying enough that it can be communicable you know I always felt that that wasn’t much of a contribution in the grand scheme of things it’s not it’s peddling upholding human rights and attaining social justice are major concerns for me and I feel rather helpless ending anything up by any of those things just a bite all of the time I mean the thing I do the most as I have my M. P. tortured my member of parliament held her up Sydney tortured I’m never done right into her butt stuff I’m not sure where my skills Larry I am not skills that’s going in doing demonstrations in the city centre I just have so much social lines already and sensory overstimulation dot com briefly cope with those sorts of situations even when they’re very far he piled but my goodness I can write a letter so that’s just where my skills lie and you know the revelation needs people of all kinds I think if you doing some saying that’s the saying is net I always felt the exclusivist date a little bit of saying the brigade dot then everything would have praise you know just from everybody taken a tiny bit about her then it would have praise for most people and I realized then that the weed tiny bet IV stand was a lot more than many other states maybe in their whole lives I’m not to sin mean anything special and I am absolutely not passing judgment on anyone I’m just telling a blunt trace you know I’m not somebody who has a dose of money I don’t have expendable income so it’s difficult for me to just give money to charity at the moment but when I had free time I mocked and then I did some hang on it was something I felt able to day in time I felt able to cast on there a lot of people he had more time than that and don’t give it or if they have better social skills and I day and don’t use them and so what I’m not that’s not a judgment I’m not saying you should be ashamed absolutely not no it’s a great choice and I think being brutally honest was I doing what I did it’s because I felt guilty because I felt she M. at being a working class person he wrote he was no longer able to work and find themselves unable to work and structures such environments you I think I pulled back a bit because I had to address that stuff and that is what I’ve been doing a lot of in the past few months you know some I’m not passing judgment on any of us I told nobody should be carrying any shame about that because life is difficult and we never know what he’s going to be surrounded us next I mean I get a bit frustrated when I hear or I read people saying I wish I could see some saying that even they never asked if we find something that day to day or maybe they’ll offer a prayer and the only acceptable response a lot is and I cook from sister Michael and Derry girls sure what could be done today even if it feels menace skill there is some saying that each of us can J. and I feel like it’s I suppose it’s quite a socialist idea that if we all pitch in a tiny bit then I’ll be Daddy’s say Cassell told mark okay John I think that’s probably that’s a severity S. nous when we’ve got so many billionaires and multi millionaires in the worlds of all the money and the rest of us have so little of the rest of the money it’s a tricky one last night you know I mean if they give a lot that’s still small change for them you know so I recognized I hope you know what I mean and that the very least you know it’s coming from a good place coming from a caring place even if I’m searching I am saying in what became difficult for me by following straight on this decisive action you know and I I think it was decisive action and then I’ll explain why ticket shortly you know and if the more detailed but also you know it was last August when the Taliban control of Afghanistan and I mean I do even perceive that today take control said the United States hundred box of them I don’t know where the line is there but the role lose extra people who were fleeing for their C. Este ends you know it was really tough to stand by the decision I had already managed a top point because the language lessons they’re not just a by learning English it’s a bite community it’s about getting to grips with different accents and I’m quite useful for that having a different accent and a place where actually I mean to be honest %HESITATION somebody nice memories of my volunteer worker a lot of the students responding to me while because they could understand me better than they could understand locals announced people with the Geordie accents I get an extra like I’m an alien over here all the time because people don’t understand what I’m saying and I try and unseat properly the way I am staying here I try and separate every word and I speak slowly when I’m in bustle speed up and I’ll talk but more like this but when I’m here in England which is where I am all the time at the minute right do you tend to speak so late because you even English people don’t always understand that’s people with the same language so imagine what it’s like for people here Sharon and Jack come trade will have maybe had to fight to get into a country where the B. a better safer than other countries where they are supposed to be C. S. ions they don’t know the language you know it’s terrifying it’s so scary I mean it’s stressful enough having a different accents but speaking the language you know it’s so unimaginably tough and for a lot of people it was just fine tonight the classes were but finding out how things work culturally socially and practically unseen friendly faces and making new friends and nothing ever previous from trauma and being able to laugh and smile and find joy and comfort for me beat it might have been only those couple of hours a week and the class I’m serious you know people are have been tough tough times you know I met people he had been trafficked I met people who you call traversed desert’s and sees check out there you young man for him it was killer be killed people have gone through awful awful sayings and then to to be able to turn up to a class and feel pride in yourself when you’ve worked really hard and you’ve done well and you’re missing your family desperately and you may be stuck in the shop the hotel room and you’re not allowed to work and you you get these few times a week you have to level for a whole week and everything’s really expensive and you don’t know who to ask for the fate that you might needs everything’s on familiar she I mean it’s so it’s so scary you know so I thought I did I felt a lot of guilds arenas for quite awhile that Justin Howell St I mean what I decided to Jay was I felt like I was out in crocs waste my mental well being you know I feel like I’ve done really well and a lot of the pandemic was probably strangely good for me because it meant that I could see a star in a lot of stuff that was dragging on and on and on you know and I was getting and trace of salts and intrusive memories you know I was diagnosed with PTSD and I had some treatment for last year which I had to guess rich hardy and I did it online it was typing who’s all three instant messaging rather than speaking which was actually quite interesting for me because I find that because I’m a better writer than I am a speaker maybe you notice the difference between when I’m resting like I am right night and when I’m reading notes you if I go off piste it’s going to be a bit more all over the place sun pausing in things anyway so I felt really fortunate to have had that opportunity and I took an opportunity and grasped it with both hands because I’m so determined to be while and to make a proper laughing and I really need to sort myself or you know I’m in my late thirties I’m too young to wallow I’m too young we just waste away you know and I I love doing this podcast if I could make a joke out of doing this sort of four K. weights but at the moment it’s from the kindness of a few friends that I get anything from other told you that’s quite tough actually when you work really hard on it and you know it’s your B. F. A. N. G. in archer AT and t’s Jerry thanks for it the work so hard in it and not really people aren’t necessary people are taking notice and I mean it’s it’s hard to feel worse and not when you don’t know really competing rights but you’re on platforms that are dominated by people who have millions of tiny notes you know I am not a purple icing there and I’m being serious when I say that user celebrity podcasts that have millions of tiny notes there’s no way I can ever dream T. at T. M. dot I barely have a hundreds die notes and every episodes the weekend comes sites but on the C. every individual lesson I appreciate I appreciate yeah I appreciate you hearing less and I’m sticking with made it’s a really important to get that perspective that the quality really matters you know so I’m trying my best with it but I don’t I just can’t make a living off of our toll toll so you know I need to be realistic about that and in my heart of hearts I’m a writer and so that’s what I’ve been focusing on the past while and I think I moved away from seeing my volunteering because I just needed to be at my house really finally over the finish line and complete that really hard work of getting well well enough to work you know in a structured workplace again as well as I think to really make a concerted effort at applying for jobs but I think I’m being more specific and we’re in the Pine C. salute we’ll get on to that sort of thing night yes I’ve been applying the fairly solidly for things for a few months night but of course keeping the podcast going to you so you might be aware if you’re a regular listener you might be aware that in January I had an obsolete just floods of recordings he did lose your recordings I participated and the slacks radio residency at new bridge project acts here in new castle and I made three recordings for that and everybody involved was really kind enough to see not me use the field recordings of those four podcast episodes you know when one of them in particular was you know more than twice as long as I can actually fit into their residency slots so that was really great to have those episodes coming out of that too so that meant you know three episodes which is six weeks for me because it’s every other weapons thank you know so I had everything shed jobs right at the end of April the comment in January I call really quite burnt diets I think it was just a lot of talking to strangers you know it was a lot of hustling and it was a lot of very quickly getting up to speed with people I’ve never spoken to before or you know hadn’t spoken to for a long time or I knew who they were and they didn’t know me I think the first recording I did J. for it was actually with a good friends with tech he you might no no I thought definitely helped but all the other recordings a date we’re based people he either had never spoken to before we actually recorded it Bower he I knew me and they probably would vaguely recognize me but not necessarily so anyway so after such a busy January I struggle to know what to do with myself in February I just knew that I was burnt site and I had a bit of grace from the podcast say turns matchmaker dot FM office as a safe and actively applying for jobs and not actually getting anywhere and I find it tough ways little money coming in to know what to focus on next because I’ve cults who many projects that are partially done there at all at various stages I just couldn’t decide right what should I jump and see again what should I fire up what should I try to complete I just find it really difficult to decide because you know I had all these questions such as what has the best chance of being published and if it gets published well it’s L. O. R. what can I focus on the best way to make and it means ten and trusts and what might actually purchase some income you know if I managed to write a back kind of get it with the more popular press and then I’ll actually get some royalties for something of published quite a lot of last year not just with charities but I was volunteering my time see quite a few different things and I have been doing that for years and I think I called tip pooling as well where I was I’ve just become really wary of working for freight I’m tired of that I am worst a lot hello two kids and I’m a really hard conscientious worker never mind all that expertise and experience I can bring to some saying and I’m so tired of working for free I am not independently while Sadie and anyway he I have been freeloading off my partner for five years all of these anxieties came to a head for me N. late January early February this year and I resolved to see really several of the sites I perked up a bit when I reached out to my very dear friend John H. he spoke to me for episode seventy one up by eight PM update projects please see check this site if you haven’t already it’s a really lovely episode again about like Fiona she was my longest serving friends we’ve known each other for twenty years twenty five years well Michael others realize how old I am we’ve got a really good reporter probably too good because you know we make virgin that he was speaking in ways that no one else will understand because you know teenage girls the attack on it it’s a really lovely episodes yeah we had to catch up when I was on my own for a few days you know it was a really fun catch up and Joe told me up by an exhibition she was pulling together appoint neon house Lakhani’s night I’m not gonna go through explaining what all this is because I’ve had some links in the show notes where you can find out more about your wanna and bending glass her expression at you know that’ll explain if you’re interested they’ll explain what house okay says and why this is a big deal as we talked I became increasingly fascinated by everything she was telling me in particular the history of neon thank god for me sort of a neon before and it’s on the C. it’s so fascinating and I and I really want to share what you the research that I’ve done in this no I thought as well as the old Ulster television studios and archives you were talking and talking about the S. I was getting really really interested and having ideas about it and said you asked me if I’d be interested in writing something and I agree to this before I was even offered a faith because it was just so interesting which is probably partly by a don’t get paid enough for staff because I’m just like yes science grant that step you but I just had to know more about this site I just caught the bug you know I was a betting inspired by another saying I’d caught a bug for in the house now Conaway told I was really inspired by the kites taxed written by Amy Corey for demand Hearst’s major exhibition treasures from the wreck of the unbelievable and I suggested writing a small exhibition guides that we teach her three depending glass show and the works an engagement with the works not explain them but just engage with any of the adjacent to them you while also giving just some information that might be useful might be enlightening might be interesting and it was intended to be a company rather than prescribed right Texas what this means and this is how you should feel the protests in the next room you should feel less and no I’m not interested in that kind of art writing I I wanted to be a J. Simba Staten Joe very kindly said that she considered me to be one of the artists and that this was one of the pieces of work in the exhibition you know and I was really excited about that I so enjoy the process of researching and writing they sit just fired me up completely and then it gives me that excitement for engaging with arch technology crossed that the treasures exhibition had done nearly five years ago so as I came to a head more opportunities to apply for camera I feel like we’re not done with neon it’s time of recording this there’s actually still quite a bit today because you know that thing that I was commissioned to J. it’s all done but you know I was also writing an essay about that and then I could abandon because all this other stuff kept coming up and %HESITATION I haven’t as yet managed to the get back to it because these other things became urgent where is the neon is no I in and trust that I want today something less you know so it’s not tricky thing not freelancers thing as well I’ve been offered money to do that S. or their socks all to play for and they have to take priority just because I ain’t got no money coming in so I had some interactions that I actually felt finer points because they ruled things alright and I started to feel more like thoughts of bites things I was applying for you know there were a few things I applied for and I knew he didn’t meet the criteria and certainly not in the way that the organization was intending so I knew I was a wild cards you know I it was just one of those right just so you know what you just have to try because you’re not in it you can’t win it it was one of those where you one hundred percent won’t get tested you don’t apply for it and it could be life changing if you didn’t get it so there’s no reason not to try so I’ve been working under that other change for quite awhile I was getting projections for the so we’re not a surprise and some of them were written very nicely and not actually always hopes when you any char person as naxal human I’m not just an automated message that same year I didn’t get the job can give you feedback by when it’s not just humans saying really appreciate you taking the time to research and you’re right so possibly it by you’re interested in this job you know we can’t sure yet this year this time but you know we hope you’ll apply for stuff again you know that kind of thing is just really meaningful to acknowledge that somebody took time out of their life to really research and he considers and why they’d be a great employee for you you know and I think that needs to happen more and I’m ready done let’s all these places that just go well we had you know so many applicants will what does that mean did you have fifty or did you have two hundred and fifty because what’s too many worst top line where you’re not going to give somebody feedback you know you’re not gonna let me know that I’ve been knocked out of the running by an algorithm and not a human type of buyer a lot of my anxiety then in February was really in deciding again what to do next and knowing that certain things couldn’t happen actually helps clear the fog I was like well I tried okay so I’m done I I did the best I could do there it’s no go so that’s actually rose something like that’s gates I can try and focus new it’s still something all right second nine narrow the focus on to something that might work and spurred on by these few redactions I the rush died in up to cation C. arts council England’s developing your creative practice grounds apart which I’m waiting to hear even when this episode really says I still want her Jack so you it’s a ten week process to me unless I just feel really places myself for just getting in because just taking one of these applications just getting it through the ground TM submission system it’s nothing short of combative so anyone who just gets three dot sight system and gets through the eligibility checks your hero because it’s tough it’s really tough they don’t make it easy for people even when you’re as prepared as you can possibly be that’s a really painful very long process you know there’s a lot of job application site and for and it’s you may be spending ages fashion are your documents and stuff but then the actual submission ace to stop the not so loud and and then BAM twenty minutes grounds capitate race this was a whole morning you starting quite early in the morning and you know and finishing quietly at all on the day before because you know that cut off is at nine and I just thought what if what if so I did that the day before it’s not an easy process today so I just thought well up to the chief minister south just having made any supplication and is something to be proud of this year you know because I find the thought to my document when I A. I tried to design a proposal for a project grounds and that’s a much Baker grounds and it’s a much more unwieldy based I was aiming to suppress that early in twenty twenty one and the process of it just utterly broke me I thought I was really prepared I’ve been the weapon are shite read all the guidance I’ve done all the stuff you know as much as I did prepare for it I was not prepared for hits you may as well the flung me against a wall on the site but I was mentally prepared for this time I knew what to expect and it’s a much smaller grounds it’s a much smaller for me still a massive confusing for me and it’s not user friendly I had a better idea of what to expect and I was able to work at all right now I didn’t panic you know it’s definitely better to try the smaller funds and it’s a fun that’s just if I may need to follow up being hi I work rather than use something I’m not necessarily in the right head space for because I think I had a really solid project idea but I don’t think I was in the right head space to manage such a thing you know and be the producer of fat so preparing money create a practice application also then fed into another opportunity came up and it meant that I had a clear project in mind to propose you know it’s old building into something so even if I’m hoping even if all of that work comes to more rejection I think I’ve got a much more solid idea of where to go when a specific project that might have some traction if I can just find the right people to approach a fight it for various reasons in addition to all of stocks I unexpectedly got Nikki snow gate as a judge for a writing competition you know it’s one of those things where every now and again because I you know I’m on link then and I have some job notifications because sometimes you get some things that are you know quick apply and it’s good to be visible on a on not professional social media I gas and you know get some notifications and then I’ll go for this saying really not expecting to get anything out of it because maybe they’re not being serious Sir maybe they’re paying peanuts third lots of things we got small things were ever applied for the money just never hear from them again or eight to hear from them and it’s only in the United States or something like that Sir you have to be able to traveler something for your buttons set they’re going to pay and so anyway so I paid in for this judging saying you know I went to their website and I applied a check to the lights and just never expected to hear from them again you know I just told them about my cell phone how was that and you know they offered me some judging on a short story competition and I really really enjoyed it hi this side when I finished my part I mean I feel Nish my box and then I got another box really enjoyed it and then costs are passed on all my goodness the stories were so strong I enjoyed it so much people are just so creative and previous for pitting themselves quite like that I learned quite a lot that’s wild because it’s something I’ve grappled with for quite a long time is how you deliver feedback twenty system just emotionally destroy people you know I’ve had that have a lot of the time it’s a close as a recipient and as a giver market dynamics feedback you know and I think in the creative space it’s different because things are much more subjective I think what they said was just more a bite you know you’re not value adding it and the census hi many marks the sisters are sentiment anyway your because you’re judging it but it’s not and not sensitive this is how you even that you can meet the criteria it’s not a bite dots it’s hi good a story can you tell hi E. gives your characterization you know and it’s more where your feedback can say things like I call really lost in these characters I wanted to spend more time with them or not twist at the end helped me like a sucker punch thought is brilliant you know stuff stuff like that and even when something something to check a well written but you can thank well I can see the story you were trying to tile and your descriptions are really benefits and maybe if you tried yes it might facilitate thought about but you know it was just lovely to be able to write feedback that might actually help people you know in praise their writing and their story telling you know I hope I hope I hope that’s what he is doing so you know I find that the police have a right to stop I think mentally from five years of really tough learning and work up recovery from the catastrophic break dying total per night but also reflecting on experiences wase added hers in the past hearings a past introduced errors into my work and I’m forcing this is something that happens and also law or at worst Dave actually trust it on a really personal level and they haven’t said back objectively or he was a bias or in a way that’s appropriate to be the intention of the pace you know appropriate to that enterprise of what’s going on it’s just maybe a factually incorrect you know there’s I’ve had a range of those experiences as well and I just really relish that opportunity a year because the competition really demanded thanks you know I think going through all their training stuff they were very clear that you know you have to approach reading these knowing that everyone tried their best with the opposite best of intentions and they love to telling that story and he had to make them on those terms you you had to make them and not say yes so I just need to get the side of my body I hope these ideas and I just need to tallest teal and they’re learning they’re crossed you know because some of them can be quite young people and some of them are writing in a language lesson their first language and some people are picking up a hobby they’ve never been interested in or had time C. B. A. interested investor ever before or maybe they’re in their retirement and they’re trying it out as a whole but you know there’s all different things and I think there’s quite serious writers he might use the competition as a way of trying I ate some saying for publication you know there’s a really wide range of entrance to this competition so my role Kim hi he helped a man prays again it’s very subjective because different judges will read it and read the same story in a different way and come away with different things you know I like the sort of coming out of from malicious my knowledge of this genre this is my knowledge of telling a short story this is my knowledge of characterization infection this is my knowledge of language you know in my role I style was two point night where things weren’t quite working right things really were working and maybe to offer I think I think if it had some of this maybe that would help you know this is really really enjoyable and I hope I hope it’s been useful to other people I mean as indicated already or you know I often think back to when I was teaching and I read each day I can ice over whether or not I was meaning to my students when marking their where can and costs and all sorts of things and I certainly have made hiding mistakes her you know when you have a memory of something and it stings she yeah thank gosh it was stupid and I think I’m trying to just lay in and a lot of back and thank you I just need to set but the embarrassment that’s not because I don’t know higher than that not a fax it’s the person who was on the receiving end of some mistakes that I manage you know because I remember I shouldn’t referring to the a certain film and the film was set different spelling of the words and I I don’t know %HESITATION brain fart I don’t know just was getting at know your spelling is wrong you’re continually spelling this wrong and didn’t you know I I with Jackie no no I’ve done it myself and I would go that’s still just half a we check in on their internet and kissing going mods and then I would say %HESITATION it is called interesting okay that’s me I’ve learned something today but previous over worked strong aides stressed to the Max me didn’t days not I’m not student was probably very rightly felt a sense of injustice but thought that stays with me and I beat myself up too much about that sort of thing but I learned from that you know I take out a board night you stop staying of embarrassment and she M. to learn and not do that hopefully to someone ever again produced double check myself because I’m not always to be trusted so I forget things so when things are anonymized and online it is really easy to associates from the person the human being he’s at the other end of that maybe this is come up with judges before where they’ve had thought because there’s lots of messages and your feedback form about you doing all insult people because they’ve clearly had that happen quite a lot and the stories are all anonymized we don’t know he has written them or where they’re from or you know maybe there’s very clear indications that English as their first language but you cannot take that for granted because there might be people with dyslexia or learning disabilities are not very high literacy who might be writing and and party that’s happened before where it is I need of English speaker and they’ve been really really insults us judge calling I might for her crossed with the English language you know so you did something you actually have to be careful but when everything’s anonymized I think that’s absolutely right you know what I think I certainly in this scenario you know it’s really stopping in my tracks and made me think about that sort of thing you know because it’s really not on to make somebody feel bad when you when they put their heart and soul into something was really good your intention what has struck me is I’ve been reading work the authors really wanted to write and that is a major shafts from years of reading students essays where and I am grossly generalizing here because I had so many where this was not the case but a lot of the time and I think increasingly over the years I came across that students resent having to DS nine months I mean it feels it’s safe you certainly hearing about Andreas more recent experiences as well it feels is safe things have really changed since I was an undergrad but then there are people I talk to you were an undergrad before even I was and for them they thought this sort of thing was always the case so I don’t know but I feel like and your G. saying Brady astronomical tuition face has been a massive pardon this sense of entitlement that comes with a resentment of having to do any work you know so it’s not all students but it’s enough of some that it makes the job of teaching them really miserable sometimes so again that’s all part of a totally separate issue actually this whole podcast is %HESITATION lots of separate issues and I’m just rambling on about eight so %HESITATION anyone makes it thirteen S. or not I don’t know I’m not going to you know go into detail on that again I’m really happy that to talk quite some of these issues and debate some of these things with people you know and I’m very happy to soccer practice I’m always willing to stand corrected and I’m always happy to pick copycats and because I know it’s not always the case and then I think emotionally it was so draining to work and that kind of environment where you’re really undervalued ready under appreciated and people are treating you as if you’re a teacher and they haven’t got a choice to be at university and you think will happen two years ago you didn’t have a choice to be at school and your teacher didn’t have a choice and you don’t have a choice but your teacher not it’s not how it works in tertiary education you came here what I will suggest you know in case anyone listing is on either side if this student teaching soft I called to me is that your whole being pitted against each other you know and I can say this quite safely from observing it from right side night you’re all being pitted against each other as a distraction from management malpractices and you can overcome the triangulation you know which is that the term you should look up to do with abusive behaviors and you can you can overcome that by being each other’s our ice just gonna float thought this nature there make friends students the people like Cheney and leading your seminars and your seminar should not lectures they’re not your enemy and they are not da man so just lay off a bit and expose for teaching staff these young people have so much against the minority it’s not even funny I’m a geriatric millennial and I’m fine in life really toss I just feel like two sides in an economic crashes took so much away from people like me and I was one of the lucky ones he script three and two thousand eight but something a lot of one seat you’re a bit younger than me doesn’t help a lot it’s a tough road you know and the younger ones that’s not fun night there guys you know it’s we need to help each other from I was young I was an avid reader and I developed a love of writing these strengthened as H. O. quite an internal person you know something I’ve always been aware of it by myself I’ve got such a vivid imagination on a day dream a lot I referee a law you know I write stuff coming you’re hearing me rambling on about stuff no I am essentially talking to myself but doing it to microphone and then some day somebody else might hear some of it says that I’m no longer just talking to myself make content I live talking to yourself why not these loaves of reading and writing they meant that as I aged I didn’t know hype but just some way some high I just wanted to be a writer for a long time and I see nine with the wrong intentions I wanted to be a great academic and that includes writing you know it was a way that I could write notes to soften be published and have my name on things and I certainly had potential to be a great academic and I was a very good one but so much of the profession makes me miserable it is not a world that is built for me it is a world that attacks he and damages may I tell you I feel like I’m hurled against walls repeatedly it’s like spider man being thrown into brick walls constantly sort of what it feels like me I don’t find Spock with an exoskeleton that does damage every time my friend doesn’t fit into those systems and the worst of thought was and the last job I was in university of Salford’s just was the most combative she might bring in and hi my brain and my body work on the damage I’m talking about in my case was lateral I lost a lot of my cognitive abilities when I became Ellis try S. five years ago you know it’s been five years and I’ve been reflecting on this quite a bit and you know I’ve had the good fortune as well as a determination in these past few years to really get to know myself and to study what’s going on with me because it’s been a bit difficult to access a lot of medical help you know I was struggling to to really get help you know I think it’s a really awful irony that you actually have to be well enough to seek help because I couldn’t physically say the words for such a long time that I needed help and then by the time my kids a pandemic had broken nights and it wasn’t physically safe she go and see the doctor and I wasn’t urgent enough they had to deal with people S. really urgent physiological illnesses so mental health always takes a backseat that does affect you physically but not as much as you know we’re reaching concert type eighties or something like that so you take a backseat I learned my slower operating system I learned about things that help the rebels I gained insights I worked to words assessments that might help diagnose what’s going on with me not that I think they’re on the same spot their conditions that I live west another operate under an ascendant you know it’s really powerful actually to learn from other people’s experiences so I appreciate that a lot and I think that inspires me to do things like less right around but you but hopefully you know maybe there’s somebody he’s hearing that S. one text back to hear something like this N. arts and culture podcast you know because it is already it is I suppose in a very roundabout way what I’m getting at is it is the love and the passion and my specialist and trusts and everything that this podcast dissipates that has kept me going that is see if my life’s that has given me a reason to keep going and to be in a help me learn about myself and to help me learn about others and what they’re going straight and see develop even stronger empathy and I have too much capacity for empathy already so I didn’t ready you need that but it is a way of working Siri I think a lot of promotions and thinking about information and getting stopped in your tracks and being a stalker questions or something confronting you with something and sort of put before seeing across that somebody’s worked really hard to develop and you can appreciate that you know I mean all of that it just fires me often does wonders for my mental health and that’s why you know what we need to take arts and culture seriously because I can actually address the shortfall that send our under funded National Health Service here you can help us help ourselves and it has definitely helped me see see myself and to figure myself lights and to take that time to learn how to properly administer self care you know and a medical science and all and then a couple weeks lush baths and get covered in glitter and feel comfort I mean do the hard work of getting therapy of being able to say what’s going on in your arm to bring in you can tell it’s really tough hi good I am at any of the writing I don’t think it’s for me to say I got some really great feedback I get some very helpful constructive feedback I’ve had some really rubbish we could pack that just goes I don’t like that change that to something I I like I’ll be happy with even though I’m not the audience which is something I’ve heard before from an editor you know but I know that I am a creative person within and cheated if brand and I think I’ve been railing against stocks for too long and I’d love to logic to get me wrong and I’m a logical person I solve puzzles site loves your problem solving and logical argumentation but I am also really intuitive a bite me when I make sayings I’ll measure it quite vaguely angle X. right or L. and when kicking ago I wonder what I’ll taste like and goes you know so I’ll try stuff and I’ll be in shit if and I’ll go well will not work with that so %HESITATION the servers are quite get together show maybe that’ll that’ll do something let’s just say shut the door on the way you know so I have to sing so I have a real passion for learning I have a low capacity for short term memory and I think something I’ve learned really very very far he recently is that it’s more likely that I have a slow processing time which is why I struggle to hold things in my head I’m like I struggled to hold more than one thing in my head at this time because I’ve I get frustrated with myself with language learning just as an example where you’re doing listening exercises you know and I’m well in the intermediate stage Wes my parish in Spanish I am having to replay the audio over and over and over because I I can only keep it for words in my head up once I come to you the whole sentence Mungo I remember that being in a shady when I was C. G. C. S. C. French as well it just really struggled to remember you it’s not that I struggle to know how to answer necessarily it’s more I can’t remember how some things you just said to me because I have to hold all this my head because you you tryna and I mean the way you learn languages later in life when you sort of lost thought natural capacity from childhoods you tend to go through lots of translation and I try really hard to be associate especially with nine to seize your things but associate the thing with its words are a state is just another word for orange and orange is just another word for marathon for example anyway another tangent but you know it’s made me realize like when I eat the more I’m learning about female autism and you know an ADHD is that actually you know I have quick bursts of memory I just can’t hold loads of it all at one time and it snowed a pro sass so it is going in it just takes more time than it does for most people to percolate for me so you know if we have a conversation about something I’ll call me immediately forgot what we just talked about it but in a by ten years time I’ll tell you nearly word for word what you said to me because I find that ability really strange that I can remember stuff that happened years ago really wild like really acute take to your queue they too well like entry simply what hell but I can’t remember what somebody said to me this morning or yesterday it just takes awhile to process remain so it’s really important thing to learn I think and that’s why it’s good for me to have an archive and I write stuff down all the time and I think you need to learn to work or whatever PS your end and not be too anxious but not you know I think I spent a lot of time being frustrated that my brains is not working the way it used to be part of it C. H. I’m part of it is a complete burner heats up this damage you know and I think that’s one of the issues with not recognizing mental health issues and I mean when I say mental health I mean neurological well being as well as you know that depression anxiety side of things as well it does damage connection skipper can things get harmed you know there are physical repercussions cherry bar nights and it takes quite awhile to heal from those just as it would with any other kind of injury you know so psychiatric injury is just not something we know enough about your take seriously user for me I know as the saying need to take one thing at a time and focus on that and align myself to be become absorbed you know I have an ability to hyper focus I love writing when I eight hundred eight it just flows remain I mean I’m still just reading from a handwritten notes that I wrote awhile ago as Pragya arguable says quite a lot if you do any sort of writing you’re a writer and I am a writer that’s whether I’m a good writer it’s for other people than the sides but it’s something I need to say and it’s something I want to say I am motivated today at my house to overcome I suppose the quite Methodists nobility and suffering and hard work that is quite hard wired and maybe it isn’t a frivolous thing today if it gives me releasing content man and it helps me keep my mate even and gives me a night not for saying such things I can only ever be a good thing and not doing it and getting out of practice with that is not helpful CPAS compacted story set people right and center competitions not send training I’m practicing spending a good yarn there’s no more joyous things to make them a good story told well you know we evolved humans evolved to be communicative bearings all of our primate cousins are communicative in some way and look at our circle we have developed to the languages and all the different kinds of communicating that we’ve developed and we find ways of telling our stories primarily to ourselves and then sharing them with others and making about four others on our capacity to projects and to send and receive stories makes us human that’s what we are there’s nothing frivolous a bite our very existence I’ve had to really CS myself dying without because I struggled to write a lot during the pandemic and I kept on my weekly blog for us on this occasion I did a lot of very personal stuff on there people were very kind and said they appreciated high honest I was surprised thanks I’m really meant to log there are times when I thought the co and it’s usually at times when my depression Sir really quite pads you know I’ve been trying to work to make an effort to make sure I have something on the blog even if it’s just something a dog I have my our case is high hills just to have something right there to make sure that I’m reading what I’ve written and doing something with it you know it’s all part of momentum and practice and evaluation because a lot of it isn’t very good so we have to look at and go well this can be better and here’s a way sick can praise and I’m not scared so I’ve been feeling very introspective about all of this I haven’t had too much to get by the name really in general but if anybody hears status on it and if it strikes a chord I hope you find your way and I know you can find your way if you take the time to spend with yourself that’s really hard to take some of us hadn’t had a choice in the past couple of years we were faced with ourselves and that was terrifying but if you’re able to do it on your own terms and it’s you can make some time for yourself non negotiable I really hope and I believe that you can figure out whatever it is you’re majoring a bite C. R. and if you’re not and if you’re all sorted I’m so happy for you honestly I’m always ever trying to find my way with stocks you know with the job in the ground applications I’ve been writing recently I feel the same S. I’m inclining towards side I’ve been trying to read more as file you know I’m trying to find I suppose a pass back to my younger self I used to too far picks and I just in doing an English degree throughly really spoiled me for backside just lost the love of reading but adult pressures and having to read stuff for work takes the fun out of it but you know so it can take me awhile to really get into reading again anyway so I have been trying to read more they they and I read a lot of non fiction they say sexually and I really enjoy it when I do read fiction I think I just have so many banks that I’ve owned for Aitchison of movie and they read them partially because it was for teaching research I picked it up and I never at times just actually sent retired or whatever it was you I just got too many pics that I own and I have not rant so I’m just trying to work through what it costs you know it’s interesting what catches my attention I’m not I get bored Wes I’m under often my mind from as I’m reading and turned away you know I have to just be honest until this offers three things anymore I’ve really says about myself and this is an ADHD saying that I have very little to no attention for anything that I find really dry or account specialize when I’m reading you know if I can imagine it in my hand I can’t read the rating board you know if I don’t really understand the words that are being sad or if things are described in a really bonds way and just No Way here so and sometimes you know why I have good ideas by the board meeting somebody else’s writing and I think that’s quite rich but there’s also no point not being honest I’m not gonna say him him taking out west and it’s not really fair because I’m sure other people got low tide if Sir Freddie accent writing it’s just I personally find it boring I mean I’m also trying to read the books have already call because my income and bank balance plummeted to write twenty twenty one and they haven’t recovered Emmy night I just hold it up my earnings for twenty twenty one twenty two financial year and that’s actually slightly less than the year before which is really depressed hang grateful for anything that I caught but then get a NAS it’s MRC messed me might take time last summer still really upset about that because I was entitled to see a payment from them that I’d in gas and it’s annoying but you know I resorted to the trading and selling a lot of my stuff including a lot of my picks you know it was pretty hard break into a tree and in the back that I bought for it ten quid ten years ago for fifty pay but I needed to fifty P. and the space on myself more than I needed to back anymore so I just had to yeah I just figured that if I ever won the Bosnian off then I can pick them up again maybe I’ll have more money in the future somehow any of these jobs are funding applications ever work right maybe I’ll be solvent again but you know the money as I say it was just more useful than having the object collecting dust and somebody else’s choice you know so I’m trying to read what I’m willing to part ways and then hopefully hyperspace some money for the things I do struggle to pick dying and devour the way yes Terry so usually have two picks on the go the one of my bad say teachable she she the more enjoyable one and then I have another one site to so far so there’s no excuse no dine time Andre pauses things and runs off quite a lot over watch and something and it’s infuriating so I always have something to tell you for a minute while you’re just sitting there and he’s fostered a bite always have a strategy no doubt come to spare I don’t the book aside to so far this time is doing this it’s quite a dry scholarly taxed that’s oxy a bunch of separate essays by the author publisher a number of years that been pulled together as one backed up by a specific talk back I’m not so perfectly fine and it’s a really important contribution to that specific failed I’m ready bored with it and it’s just not going and I’m not caring about any of it there’s lots of claims of a generalized fears and I find that really creating after a while because I think we can really only speak for ourselves unless we have data from user base or you know monitors audience participation I just don’t think it’s useful to go in here feels less will do thank you I got really tired of reading I sent some studies are architects and stuff and I go well I saw that and I did not feel like cuts do not speak for me I think because there’s nice photo center of stuff the descriptions are a bit wishy washy and very technical and I what was it like to move through the space you know describe into it for me in your words and that’s quite boring when that doesn’t happen for me you know it’s a useful exercise and discovering what I no longer want to read because it’s also no longer what I want to write I don’t want to write like that a nice compliment that I get when I D. art writing is set people can visualize what I’m talking about you even if it’s not an accurate visualization I can see something and I can feel something because of the way of rectified it and that’s really meaningful to me that people take the time to tell me that %HESITATION somebody once told me you know I read what you said and it made me want to be there and I don’t like on the calories I mean that’s that’s really high praise that’s what you want I’ve always wanted my research to be as accessible as possible I know it hasn’t always been a lot of my PhD was very heavy theory and philosophy eight I don’t think I can’t even really tell them to a lot of thought anymore when my brain work better I could work with sos complex theories and philosophies here to do the time and memory the very ontology of film and photography and all of socks you know I’m still interested in not ten extent but I think a lot of say very dry language that could be associated but thought I should just I don’t care anymore and you know I think I’ve really lost the ability to do the really really complex stuff I mean the stuff that’s just combative frankly and then you got a lot of it lost in translation you mean translator stay amazing work but my coach the French stuff can be so dense sometimes anyway I just I don’t have the desire really to build up so that again because quite frankly bored with and I do you want to be Frank about this you know the old white European dates have been telling us how it is when it’s not that way for most people’s lived experience just Europe ready picked out I may have done because I have these bits of embossed paper that shows at one time I had a pre vent ability to develop that proved that I could J. thought that I could park west to listen for coal and %HESITATION J. R. and all them fellas and I just want another challenge you know not challenge for me as well hi di make these complex ideas accessible to the people he thanks none of that nonsense is for them because I agree are not realizing up our calories were for me I don’t want anyone effort to grow up feeling lots of surfers free pony cursed our shouldn’t even be an issue you know what I’m interested and then as a valid being my own creative critical non fiction writing that is up front about my lived experience as well as the knowledge and research that I’ve acquired over these years innocently hello bite with some might balk if you ever read it I am going to end the show notes if you wanna stop by and have a price and I’d like to see Stapp they stop and take it further you know I’d like to write it back that people might pick up in Waterstones are reputable tech shops that pay their talk sense you know there’s a few more pics and me Everton one already I contributed to others I have these other plans they have these really favored strong ideas for other ones I want to catch them all right and I’m telling you all of this because I started to feel burnt right puts a podcast there in January gosh that was a long time to get into a lot from when I mentioned this before year’s abandon the podcast night and the night time most aren’t tremendous amounts and Matt loads of fantastic people and cooperators I’m keeping it going this is not a good pie we’ve already hard winter ten rock pop we don’t needs may be joining that bandwagon no I’m not going anywhere I mean they’re not going anywhere it’s just going somewhere else I think the podcast I think in just terms of my work it’s going to take a bit more of a backseat I’m going to do more things like last not just talking out your butt stuff but when I have some other episodes later where it’s just me talking L. B. a bite something I swear you know but I’m just having a break from the hustle because having had a break since January actually yes since January to decide I had a fake Hassel holes through the autumn and then January quite another big one and it’s actually been really lovely to knocked it out for a few months and I realized that I was I was actually getting quite fossils and %HESITATION suburbanites you know when I try to force myself to get back into that fray again of email in this person that person that person or re engine timezones and talking to strangers and trying to be super clear and my communications I just got stock because I come be bothered by cuts just draining of my creative energy he and rather than just fighting up and doing it anyway for work I’m not getting paid for because whatever pitch in H. I. gaps for this I don’t take the money it doesn’t belong to me it belongs to the podcast I use it for the podcast you know when you can go and visit and have a look on the website to see what I mean by that I don’t take away H. for doing this and that’s to the small amount of money to pay me a wage anyway so I’ve been just pondering about well why is that why did I get stock when I have to do the whole soul I think it’s because that while it is fun and it often produces really great results I don’t regret a toll you might do you find a training even when it’s really enjoyable I just find it completely drains me it takes a lot of creative energy away from other pursuits time to tired to write I come thank streets and to be blunt I am class they say I am just weary of working for free you know so as grateful as I am for the P. H. NH what I get in the months is a tiny bit more than an arch worse for real living wage and the U. K. I’m a volunteer for my company because the people college I don’t earn enough from a company to pay myself any fees so it gets the money I have spread sheets very charcoal face because you know I need money for things here so I know what belongs where what’s for what and you know ABC has its own spreadsheets I keep track of what’s money belongs to yet and so this is where I’ve been able to look and see okay I have enough to replace my laptop battery that’s just started to fail or upgrade the website for example and one off payments if anybody’s interested I do record does on there as well they all out of stock you know I have to keep a slow night si mantiene the websites for its on your payments but some pieces like that you know what to keep minutes things that I need for the show your quick then I can upgrade it’s not sort of saying I have some goals on my history on site so you know you can go in the close up and see what I’m working towards if you want to drop a few credits via the A. cast supporter link D. like at the show notes I’ll be in there and if you can leave the tech to help like that would be great it all adds up and it all helps we just need to be where I am with all of this and I make use of content that I’ve already in some way produced or see what comes along with light traffic on my part you know because there are times when I’ve said to people I love you because of the on the podcast so yeah I’d love to share anime Justin arrange anything yes I need to paid after Dayton but I also need to know that you want to do it because I can’t pay anyone so you know if you really want to do it then just reach out you know it’s fine but I’m not necessarily going to chase people and I’m at the minute just not gonna be very good at bites chasing people for contents because I’ve got some you know again just be involved in public people like me talking like that but you know that’s just how it is it’s a lot doing everything for a podcast by yourself I think people may be ashamed that like a lot of other podcasters I just send the soften up magically gets done IT everything for this based I. G. every saying this is my entire P. abate IG all the things every bit of it you know so unless I’m talking to somebody else and then they’re giving me not content that’s great but also not I’m doing everything graphic design editing marketing and social media posts I’m scaling back on I really just need to scale out back while I begin some energy and try other ways of making a living because this is not made me a living this is made me a tiny bit of pocket money that’s not even mine the %HESITATION preferably I’d like to make a living with my first love of writing an example is you know I had ideas for two episodes where was intending to focus on the Iraq collectives when of the Turner prize back in December you know their collectives that actually I’ve known for a long time I visited to show and you know and I invited them on the show back in twenty nineteen when I was visiting Belfast again I invited them last August when they were nominated for the Turner prize I don’t know if they got the messages or if they’re too busy or and %HESITATION went straight into their junk mail or S. you know there’s just eleven of them and you may as well try and hurt costs I didn’t hear anything back and I didn’t GSM because other people wanted to be on the show I don’t have an employee who is chasing out stuff up it’s me I have to do it and I find that really exhausting if lots of people approach me and want to cast that’s easy for me because I have to do the hard work of getting them back John and shad chilling things on a lot of these people are in the United States so we’re working with the time difference again it’s I’m so grateful but it’s still hard work for me you just never taste any of it up you know with the right stuff I mean everybody’s very welcome anytime on the show it’s just this is a great me just not having the energy or the where with all to chase people and then I thought with a raise while you know the third just download the podcasts and including the very marvelous talk arch you know you should listen to the mom laughs and there are other ones sipping on its file you know I just don’t know if there’s anything more I can that’s because they’ve already had really interesting public discussions I don’t know if I have any questions or comments that will be in any way insightful because they’ve had really insightful public conversations their work reasons I she’s with the state of arts criticism as well as loads and loads and loads of other passion and she’s in you know this was written up by its so per plate by cara Hickey and Jan Morrow I can I will thanks affect your article in the show notes %HESITATION I think that was with adolescents I also floated by sending an absolute with them talking ites what those problems are and these are problems with art writing that a small organization like the white P. for example is also trying to address in their way you know I think some of my introspection recently has shown me that I want to confront this head on by finding are carving a way to get funded for critical writing that’s also creative and accessible and you buy critical I mean engagement from a place of knowledge and learning not criticizing which is what reviewers seem to saying very often that they’re supposed to date or that they enjoy watching or whatever angled coming at this from I’m not interested it’s and punching dying or defining what are it can be and should be very much the opposite of my kitchen I wanna throw thought to be wide open and challenge it in trouble at this month’s bill imposed by injuries which is what my scholarship has always Pena bites you know it’s been a bite thought since I was you know a fairly flat chest young PhD so I welcome and encourage anybody see join me in China about all of that and talking at all lights I want a lesson and I wanna learn I wanna ponder and I want to produce I want to just soak it all up and then I’ll have something to say you know when I have to deal the producing the editing the backing of people that’s the thing I find really tiring is just getting timings and stuff sorted out and picking people and you know especially the marketing and you for all of that stuff to happen it renders me a lot less effective as a learner and the thinker and so I’m just trying to strike more of an efficient and effective balance and do not work because I am not in a position to hire an assistant he’s brilliant to journalists thanks and love seeing all those things finds a locked at a you saying im as I am with that stuff and I want you to tell me and the email address is in the show notes you sound right to me you never go on the websites and scored his contact PH higher you hire you dang what do you want to know what do you want to hear a bites do you have any questions do you have any suggestions do you want to be a guest on the show for conversation you want to come on and tell me all about yourself and all that wonderful things in your daily are you encountering frustrations are worries and your own creative life or career I really want to know I just don’t wanna have you know a ten string email conversation about it I just want to go yeah I want to be in your show here’s the times I’m available hi but yea yet to date not time here’s a link see you then check can gauge role here let’s go that’s kind of how I want to run it because I haven’t got the energy to go this is not to come reaching out to him in this times on the digital no just tell me when you’re available tell me when you want to come just a shame that I am not as a mmhm frighteningly available for a lady I don’t know I’m so I’m gonna flow test I’m gonna attempt and you’re chasing a recommendations section I mean I’ve name dropped a bunch of stuff and this already but if you wanna subscribe to the newsletter which you candy had already visual cultures dot com I have a piece Paul Dirac’s section where I recommend a podcast and I’ve been enjoying and I’d love to start out here you did maybe talk about programs or films affects I’ve been watching reading and getting a lot are you does yeah I’m very interested in the writing in to tell me what you’re getting a lot are dogs and you’d like to share with people you can email or the visual cultures at G. mail dot com or join the mailing list and replied MSH and if you do join thought to you to make sure bring your CEFs Sanders last you know and we’re not going to do your junk or spam because some might be where a lot of mess you’re going from the initial people you signed up if you’d like to view the full versions of lots of the audio visual cultures recordings this one’s included I’ve included a photo video fest which is going to be extremely non we’re at two yards a lap in forty nine fifty not so much a browser on and there’s extra stuff in there for behind the scenes here people C. contract up stuff I ate at GL dot com forward slash AP cultures you can have a lake arts all of the tears if you join and not tear the behind the scenes here you can see all of my fumbling and all of the caps and all of me knocking into the microphone and all sorts of endearing sayings that I make you keep coming back for more and more and more adorable P. shenanigans there might even be special messages just for you there certainly is at the beginning of the video for this recording that’s happening right now only if you cut through all of this thank you for sticking with me the next episode I promise will be a boy some saying definitely S. saying not just me rambling up by things that come into my head manger Siles I would say catch you next time but I’ve started listening to me is the hell’s period power and she says that at the end of every episode so I’m going to change mine I’m not going to be precious I do not own those five words so I’m gonna change out my closing salutation and I’m gonna go back to an old favorite as ever be excellent to yourselves and each other and party on my days


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